That Dastardly Pirate in my Head

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Days Without Pirate Attack:

One excellent source of ideas and inspiration for my practice is Cheri Huber. In a recent blog post, she wrote something that opened another door for me.

“As long as we’re in relationship with the voices, nothing we do “counts.” No matter what we do, the behaviors are compared to an imaginary “way I really am” and are used as proof that I am what self-hate says I am.
I work hard, I’m kind to those around me, I even volunteer to assist those less fortunate, but the voices quickly point out that I’m pretending to be a good person. I’m faking kindness and concern, while deep down I’m selfish and judgmental—not to mention lazy, incompetent, greedy, and hateful.
How does self-hate come up with all that? It’s projecting. It says I am what it is.
And just in case that doesn’t do the trick, self-hate says that the fact that I “have” self-hate is proof there’s something wrong with me!”

After I read that, I realized one belief holding me back from letting go of the critical voices is my attachment to the “positive” voice: the one that says, “You’re the smartest one here!” “You see what the others don’t!” . . . and more. BUT, they are like the god Janus; they are two sides to the same coin, and neither is real.

Honestly, this is frightening. The positive voice has been what I relied upon my whole life to overcome the feelings from the negative voice of unworthiness and shame. As I breathe into the idea of letting them both go, I appreciate all they have done for me over the years, but it’s time they retired. Maybe to a nice little place where they can sit side-by-side on the Gulf coast.

Read the entire post and archive here: http://blog.thezencenter.org/from-the-guide

Pirates attack at The Pig

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Days Without Pirate Attack:

My list of “should have known better because I know me fairly well” would be pretty long. I went to the Piggly Wiggly, AKA the Pig, Sunday morning. It was full, of course, with pre-game and gonna-snow-later shoppers, and I only went to get canned milk to make fudge. As I get near the crowded checkout lines, a guy on the phone is blocking the aisle. In my smart-ass mode, I mutter, “Hang up and drive.” He responds, “You don’t have to be rude.”

I turned around, went right up to his face and said, “Yes, I do, because you’re the dumbass on the phone.” He repeated, “You don’t have to be rude.” Pithy, right?

Yes, I feel guilty that I couldn’t hold a response. I couldn’t just notice it and let it go. I’m still responding and taking pride in my greater guts and thinking I’m right.

Smart Aleck

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Days Without Pirate Attack:

I know I have had a lot invested in my quick-witted identity. I am swift with a retort or funny remark. I realized yesterday, that those remarks are usually made at someone’s expense and often dance along the edge of cruel. They are never kind.

My retorts are entertaining and intelligent but, when I target myself; I am being mean to myself. I am usually harsher in these self-deprecating remarks than I would ever be to another person.

This is what I thought “I am — ” It’s what I thought my value was. Yes, I created this identity, but I am also the one who must sustain it. Is this who I want to be? Just last Friday, I was talking to a friend about cognitive dissonance. I wondered what I wasn’t seeing in myself.

A quick wit and a willingness to speak out will always win the attention race: Look at me! Look at me! If you notice me, you must love me, right? If you laugh, you are on my side, right? I looked up the term “smart alec[k].” The Oxford English Dictionary and Wikipedia trace the origin to a con-man and thief. Sigh.

I am thinking now about those who always have a kind word to say. They are not first or clever with a comment, but I remember them with more appreciation. They last.

Fill in the Blank, “I am _____”

days without pirate attack

days without pirate attack

On a weekly podcast from Sounds True, the Rev. Deborah L. Johnson writes:
“We say we want a world living in harmony. We say we want equality and prosperity for everyone. We say we want to live united in a democracy. But do we really? We often forget that the macro is simply the micro magnified, that what we see in the outer world is a pure reflection of the inner. We want to have love and peace, but the question is, “Are we willing to be love and peace?”

That is both a profound and a provocative question. Before reading that, I thought of peace as a quality without an actual doer. Like when I use passive voice sentence construction. Therein is the provocation: who is the doer? Who is the subject of the sentence?

Reverend Johnson goes on to say, “In the physical realm we all breathe the same air and share the same atmosphere. We forget that this is also true in the spiritual realm. Our thoughts, words, deeds, and emotions set something into motion that seeks agreement. The larger the number of people who resonate with a given idea, the greater is its outer manifestation. Whatever we harbor in our hearts—what we think, say, feel, do, and the like—has energy patterns that vibrate into the ethers, the shared collective field in which we all live. In a sense, we are all breathing in each other’s internal musings, as well as external actions. Just as no one has private air, our “private” lives are not so private. Our lives, moreover, are not merely the reflection of what has happened; at every moment we are making things happen. In this world of cause and effect, we tend to perceive ourselves as effect, forgetting that we are also cause.” http://www.soundstrue.com/weeklywisdom/?source=podcast&p=8465&category=WW&version=full

During a recent Oprah interview, Diana Nyad said, “Am I living the life that I can admire? It’s not what can I do, but who I want to be.” This philosophy requires an “I am— ” and a commitment to achieve the “I am.” She can say, ‘I swam from Cuba to Key West.” No one would say, “There was swimming today near Florida.” Or “Marathon swimming broke out today at the Southeastern coast of the U.S.” Ridiculous, yes.

Both of these women have inspired me today, and Ms. Nyad reminds me it is a commitment. “I am Love. I am Peace.”

Self-righteous Pirate

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Over and over and over! How many times?!!

My mental talk this morning chided an acquaintance that he always has to be right, he constantly corrects others, making him unpleasant to be around. He rants on political issues and calls anyone who disagrees with him stupid. I imagine myself having a conversation with him for this own good and enlightenment (how generous of me…). Then, ick, I notice that I am doing that exact same thing. “But I’m not THAT bad,” I console myself.

So, what happens when I get to work? Of course. Another place for me to point out that a team member isn’t doing her tasks the correct way. I let the email go on for several volleys. I even got to type almost the exact words, “see, I’m right.” Only when a third-party intervened did my smugness dissolve. Nearly into tears.

Define self-righteous: Having or showing a strong belief that your own actions, opinions, etc., are right and other people’s are wrong.

This concludes the flagellation portion of our program, ladies and gentlemen.

Now that I’ve let that out, I see that the reward and punishment part is an integral part of the identity.

Time to regard this identity of mine with compassion, love and kindness. And a walk outside will feel good, too.

“Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not puts us in a rage.” – Andre Maurois

International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Notice that it isn’t, “act” like a pirate day.

If you aren’t fluent in pirate:
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/howto.html

If you don’t know where your ship is today:
http://www.yarrmaps.com/#lt=15.706|ln=-69.679|z=6

If you’re having a identity issues or just want a cooler (pirate) name:
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/links.html#piratename

If you need some piratic advice:
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/askcapnslappy.html

Talk Like a Pirate Day is a good tool for focusing attention. It makes every meeting lighter and every email a little less “all about me.”

It’s as easy as Smile until you feel happy! Buckle them there swashes until you feel happy.

Do you Trust me?

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Back to zero with a body-slam of the belief that I don’t trust myself. More accurately, I have identifies/me that are not trust-worthy. And seeing that, I wonder if I really trust anyone else. This is making me feel sad.

Merriam-Webster.com says trust: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc. My eye goes right to “good” and I feel uncomfortable.

I see that it doesn’t say “perfect” or “flawless.” Maybe it’s like having a trusty tool — one that fits your hand well and gets the job done almost always. I expect it will wear out at some point, and I don’t expect the hammer to do the circular saw’s job. How can I expect my attention-vampire identity to have my body’s best interest in mind? All I can expect is, through practice and awareness, to notice that identity and let it go. Fortunately, a compassionate identity is always waiting and ready to be used.

Rules

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Days Without Pirate Attack:

I’ve been doing belief work for years now — especially looking for transparent beliefs (ones I operate within, but am unaware of). Recently I tripped over a slightly different belief: I have rules that I function within and if not, feel extremely uncomfortable without. Underneath these rules, I’m certain, are beliefs and experiential proof of the “consequences.”
One rule I know I have is: I must be on time. I must be at work on time. I must be at the appointment on time. I have been experimenting with pushing my own edges on this rule this week. I don’t know yet what’s underneath it, but I do know that it is making me very uncomfortable to get to work at [slightly] random times.

Family as Pirates

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Days Without Pirate Attack:

What is it about family that causes the most insidious pirate attack?  Worry about my sister has brought back to life (like Frankenstein!) the big sister, protector identity I thought I had dis-created.

Take a successful CEO home to the father he could never please and his leader identity disappears.

The transformation is slippery fast.  One minute you’re calm and aware — the next you’re the rebellious child who just happens to be 48 years old.This morning’s meditation reminds me that these are just thoughts and I do not have to believe them or let them lie down on the couch in my self.

‘Tis an ardous challenge, though.  Arrrrrgh!!

How many signs does it take?

I attended a project management webinar yesterday discussing Power of EQ Leadership w-Joie Seldon The presenter did an excellent job prodding us to think of our emotions, particulary fear and anger, in new ways.

from The Power of Emotional Intelligent Leadership

Joie Seldon showed this slide which triggered a new point-of-view for me.

I sent to a friend who responded with an email prompt dated today and a quote:  “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” George Addair  http://www.omegavector.org/

Finally, I’m cleaning through old emails and see this sign in a weekly email from SARK.

decideIn no way, do I believe that there is some entity placing these signs in front of me like a benevolent Marketing Director.  I do, though, believe these quotes and signs are all there all the time, it is just me noticing them.  The question, then, is what triggers my notice?   Some might say when you are ready, the teacher appears.  What does “being ready” mean?

Is what appears to be instantaneous, really a very slow, subtle process?  Is it only that final moment the signs move up to a level of awareness that pops into my daily thoughts?