In a meeting this week, we were doing a reading from the Brown Book (OA’s version of the AA Big Book). One of the stories had the word “deserving” in some context I don’t remember. At that moment, I had the thought, “I don’t feel like I deserve it, but can I have it anyway?”
It was in that moment that a wave washed over me. I don’t feel like I deserve [peace, serenity, love, success, happiness, whatever…], but can I have it anyway?
I hate the word and the concept of deserving. Because it implies that you could deserve or not. What is the criteria? Also, the phrase “worth it.” You’re worth it! Who isn’t? Well… me???
I know the contents of my own mind. Yikes! Very scary pirate!
I know what I do and say most every day. A little less scary, but still…
But can I have what I want anyway?
Still don’t know what/who I’m asking this of.
When I shared, as usual, there were nods of recognition and agreement all around.
“When you remember you are the ocean, you’re not afraid of the waves.” Tara Brach
I might paraphrase and say, “…you’re not afraid of the size of the waves.” Or I might change my point-of-view and wonder why I am not laughing and riding the waves.
I know her point is to remind me that I am source. I am the ocean and the waves are only experiences of “me.”
I had a realization last week. The old beliefs repeated by the voices in my head are like commercials. Catchy phrases repeated over and over. Jingles I can sing without a thought.
Yikes! Stripes! Beech-nut Gum! Buy some today!
The voices exhort me to buy and instructing me how to behave…
What do you want when you gotta eat something? Lip Smackin’, cracker jackin’, goooood, Cracker Jacks.
“Sit down and shut up.”
“What did I tell you?”
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
“Who do you think you are?”
“Should you be eating that?”
“You’re not wearing that.”
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what I relief it is.
At some point this past weekend I heard a phrase that struck me so much I told my phone to remind me of it. “Humans advance when they remove themselves from the center of the universe.” Sadly, I didn’t note who said it or what podcast I was listening to when I heard it. Apologies to the speaker.
I thought that if that’s true, it would apply at the micro/personal level, too: I can advance [only] when I remove myself from the center of the universe.
This morning a quote from Cheri Huber landed in my email.
“Disidentifying and stepping back enough to see the difference between the human being and the ego-identity is critical to “saving” the human being.” – Cheri Huber
I remember reading a similar idea — that the ego-identity will kill the host to be right. As anyone who in a twelve-step program knows.
I practiced widening back after encountering these quotes. (I am doing it now!). I shifted my viewpoint to my higher self. Then I shift it to “minding the edges.” Minding the Edges is an Avatar ReSurfacing tool.
I say, “This is weird.” Saying that is a way to ‘create what I am experiencing.’ Try that one!
As much fun as I have ranting lately, I have been moved to some action.
Read my post on Poetiosity.
Today is a new moon. It is also a new year in the Chinese calendar. The western calendar’s new year is barely under way. I’ve noticed all of these and ascribed value to them as I feel that I am on a new part of the cycle. No matter what the label, I do believe our lives move in cycles. My proof for that belief is that we humans are living beings, on a living planet, with other living beings and they all go through cycles. We are a part of that, so we are not exempt. Honoring all parts of that cycle, though, are challenging for me.
In late summer, a group of hawks seemed to be stalking me (in a good way). Yesterday afternoon, leaving my house, I saw this Cooper’s Hawk literally at my front door. In my group of allies, I have a hawk to remind me to “float a while and use your tools.” In some cultures a hawk is a messenger.
I know I did spiritual work differently in 2016 and that may be a part of the updraft I’m feeling. In the last part of the year, I used a coach, am more than half way through working the twelve steps, and had an Avatar Master move to my neighborhood. The first two required work and a big shift for me. I like to think the third was a gift from the other two.
All that work has given me great insights, but the one most valuable is… Ask for help. Find or create allies and ask them for help whenever you feel even the slightest inkling of unknown. Asking for help allows the helper to experience feeling useful and able to give of themselves. Ask non-humans for help. There is wisdom all around you; you just have to be willing to ask for help.
The end of my Page-a-Day Zen Calendar is showing. One more day and 2016 is over. I started planning my next year’s intentions and objectives, and I’ll finalize them this weekend. Today is a day, though, to look back at what’s happened, what I’ve accomplished, felt…
As an adult, I’m annually amazed how quickly a year goes by (and how the heck am I this old??). It’s difficult to see my own growth and change. What I can do is listen to and believe others when they say they see it.