I read a line in a novel recently where one character told another that “Everyone has a premise that guides her decisions, right or wrong.” In the next paragraph she went on to say “We all need a rule to live by.”1 Both of these lines caused me to stop and think – so much so, that I wrote them down.

I’ve thought more about that idea and come to a few conclusions. The first is that these could be two different beliefs. I think the first belief is one I created early and without deliberation. For some, this first belief could mean survival (emotional, physical…). The second I want to be a belief I choose. The first one runs the decision process until, with attention and energy, supplants the first.

It’s easy for me to project another’s foundational belief. I make those judgments all the time, and I know I’m not alone:

She always has to win.
He will do anything to be rich.
She only cares about herself.
He makes everything a joke.
She’s always cutting herself down.

I know what I am creating as a rule to live by. It is the Dalai Lama’s quote, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” This belief guides me to be kind to myself as well as others. The quote says, “be” — a word as important as “kind” in the quote.

1 The Merciful Scar – Rebecca St. James

My list of “should have known better because I know me fairly well” would be pretty long. I went to the Piggly Wiggly, AKA the Pig, Sunday morning. It was full, of course, with pre-game and gonna-snow-later shoppers, and I only went to get canned milk to make fudge. As I get near the crowded checkout lines, a guy on the phone is blocking the aisle. In my smart-ass mode, I mutter, “Hang up and drive.” He responds, “You don’t have to be rude.”

I turned around, went right up to his face and said, “Yes, I do, because you’re the dumbass on the phone.” He repeated, “You don’t have to be rude.” Pithy, right?

Yes, I feel guilty that I couldn’t hold a response. I couldn’t just notice it and let it go. I’m still responding and taking pride in my greater guts and thinking I’m right.

I’ve been doing belief work for years now — especially looking for transparent beliefs (ones I operate within, but am unaware of). Recently I tripped over a slightly different belief: I have rules that I function within and if not, feel extremely uncomfortable without. Underneath these rules, I’m certain, are beliefs and experiential proof of the “consequences.”
One rule I know I have is: I must be on time. I must be at work on time. I must be at the appointment on time. I have been experimenting with pushing my own edges on this rule this week. I don’t know yet what’s underneath it, but I do know that it is making me very uncomfortable to get to work at [slightly] random times.

What is it about family that causes the most insidious pirate attack?  Worry about my sister has brought back to life (like Frankenstein!) the big sister, protector identity I thought I had dis-created.

Take a successful CEO home to the father he could never please and his leader identity disappears.

The transformation is slippery fast.  One minute you’re calm and aware — the next you’re the rebellious child who just happens to be 48 years old.This morning’s meditation reminds me that these are just thoughts and I do not have to believe them or let them lie down on the couch in my self.

‘Tis an ardous challenge, though.  Arrrrrgh!!