Practice, practice, practice

An Avatar acquaintance popped up from a couple years missing and triggered memories of what my life was like when I practiced those tools consistently and I had others with the same skills to meet with and practice.  My own recollection of the time was that everything was much smoother, I was happier (i.e., not as angry all the time), and change manifested ‘magically’ [sic].

This is really what my intention is for the next year.  Do the practice – daily.  I brush my teeth every day.  I had to learn that, and now I can’t imagine starting the day without doing it.  I make my bed every day.  I tried once to leave it unmade and go to work.  I made it a few blocks, but was so uncomfortable, I turned back home and make thviolete bed.

I believe this is the key — I need to notice my discomfort and associate the relief with the
tools to practice. Rather than wait for the magical-thinking day of January 1st, I started today.  I did two practices. They feel creaky and rusty, but they open up.  They are opening me up.  I can feel the ice cracking in my chest as I do the exercise  Releasing Fixed Attention using a plant in my sunroom.

 

 

Tendencies and States of Being

“Atoms are not things.” – Werner Heisenberg.

Heisenberg’s quote was on my daily calendar a couple of weeks ago.  Totally messed with my mind that day — confused me.  It made me pause — then what are they?  While provocation is the point of this daily calendar,  I am usually smug and self-satisfied with the quote or koan presented.  “Oh,  I got that.”   Sometimes I catch my delusion and pretension, sometimes I don’t.

I looked up the quote to see if there was more to it.  I especially was looking for the line that said what they actually were, if they were not “things.” More of the qsnow_decuote is “Atoms are not things.  They are tendencies.”

Well, that’s helpful, I thought.  Sarcasm leads to enlightenment, right?

Today, I have some  understanding.  I was watching the snow fall this evening and reminded myself that snow is not actually a “thing” on its own.  It is a state of being of water.  Combining that thought with the definition of the word tendency (i.e., a likelihood to happen), I see my own state of being in this moment with its tendencies.  Tendencies like:  compare this weekend to last; compare how I feel now to this morning; notice the feelings in my body and label them; think thoughts and judge them, et al.

While there is no evidence that quantum mechanics and spirituality affect, interact, or even support each other.  Each make me think differently, and that’s enough for today.

Scary Goal for Next Year

keri_smithDo we all say this:  “How has the year already passed?” For the last two years I have set specific, measurable goals.  Each year I’ve pushed myself. I’ve not been perfect, but good enough.  I liked how the goals have changed me.

I started throwing some ideas on a flip chart for next year’s goals.  Keri Smith‘s book, “The Imaginary World of —“, popped into my mind.  I’ve had it for two years, but have never done anything with it.  It wasn’t even on the bookshelves, but hiding in a lidded bench.  Who put it there?!

It’s an intriguingly empty book, every few pages is another exercise to build my own imaginary world.  It scares the beejezus out of me.

I talked to a friend about it.

Steph:  You don’t ever write in books do you?
Me:  No.  Never.  I never even highlighted a book in college.
Steph: I don’t think that’s what it is.
Me:  No.  I’m afraid that I’ll fill it in and someone will see it and it’ll be wrong or not good enough… [Oooh. Awful grade school art project memories are coming up just writing this.]
Steph:  You know there’s no wrong way to do it.
Me:  Yeah. But that doesn’t make me feel any better.
Steph:  If you write in the book, you become a part of it instead of standing outside of it. It’s a completely different experience.  Writing inside it will change you in ways that even doing the exercises and writing them in another notebook couldn’t.

Guess I’m going to do this next year.  eep.

Surreal

truth_about_cometsAt the Crystal Bridges museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, I was entranced by this painting, “The Truth About Comets” by Dorothea Tanning. I have no idea what it means.  But, how can you not love a painting with mermaid girls in the snow? Girls who are wearing great hats! Comets streaking through the grey sky!  A stairway that goes up into a tree, or is it a tree that grows down into stairs?!

This is my picture, but there’s a better one here.

The sky has been cloudy and grey here lately, but no snow yet.  As I look out onto the deck stairs that lead down to the backyard, I’m looking for mermaid girls…

 

Gratitude etc.

With Thanksgiving behind me, but still enjoying the long weekend, I think about what I’m grateful for in the macro and micro.  I’m grateful today the sun came out after almost a week of very grey.  I’m grateful I was able to fix a bird feeder myself rather than just throw it away and buy a new one.  I’m grateful I’ve done a review of my regular bills and found ways to save some money and redirect it.

Today I realized something about my feelings, too, and I’m grateful (sort of).  I realized the anxiety I’d been feeling in the last few weeks — well, I realized I’d

nov-2016-upload-060

Building wall in Bentonville, Arkansas

not felt it before because I ate over it.  I was judgmental of anyone who showed their anxiety.  I had it too, turns out, I just couldn’t feel it because there was a Snickers bar (and a bowl of ice cream and a brownie) sitting on top of it.

I don’t know where the anxiety has come from, or if it even has a single genesis.  I know why I ate to cover it, though.  It feels awful!  I don’t have any practice dealing with it.  Sixty years of putting hot fudge on it…

 

Art helps you see things differently

Crystal Bridges museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, has been open since 2011, and on my “to visit” list since then. I finally got there earlier this week. I had very fortunate timing for unseasonably warm weather and the special exhibit  (The Art of Dance in America).

This is a great museum in a lovely location in the Ozarks.  I could go on about the collection, the building, and the grounds.  Go for a visit!  Most of the museum is free, but the special exhibit cost $10 — a bargain.

I noticed that all of the art I looked at in detail triggered new viewpoints for many things. The more art I saw, the more things looked different.

What am I Feeling? Yes, I do have to ask

number five

days without pirate attack

I’m persisting in bringing myself back into today; I keep slipping into next week when I potentially have jury duty — wondering what it will be like? Where will I park?  How will I get lunch?  Can I work while I’m sitting there?  Should I work while I’m sitting there?  It’s a great opportunity to practice awareness exercises, especially the Avatar Compassion Exercise.

This week I started doing a Vipassana-like query of myself after each meal and answering myself.  It’s been interesting.  When I am done with the meal I ask myself, “Are you full?” I answer back (so far every time has been affirmative), “I am full.” I ask myself then, “Are you satisfied?” I’ve been able to answer, “I am satisfied.” I focus my attention on my stomach, throat, mouth, and then go out from there to see how my body feels.  I end with “What else are you feeling?” These answers have been all different.

No matter whether the answer to the last question has been a ‘negative’ or ‘positive’ response, I have been able to keep an observer viewpoint while feeling that feeling.  It’s been informative and keeping me from the desire to eat compulsively.  For this current meal.  It’s been good.

The Long View

I am scheduled for jury duty at the  end of October. Speaking with a friend yesterday, I had a memory of the last time I did jury duty —  August 1984 in Los Angeles.  My memory showed a me from over thirty years ago.  Most of my memories show in observer view (i.e., I can see myself and my body in the view), and the me there surprised me with her callow youth.

The emotions that rose up were more than I expected.  I noticed behaviors I would no longer do — I think the additional age has something to do with it, but more likely my persistence with awareness practice.  I noticed — I am really different now.  I was surprised.  It caught me unaware and caused a physical reaction.

tree-plant

Planting a tree confirms the belief in small, incremental changes

It was like seeing a niece or nephew change dramatically when you haven’t seen them from age one to four.  Wow!  Except this period covered over twenty years.  Day-to-day, I don’t quite feel like an adult, but I got there somehow.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a long way to go, but I’m further up the mountain than I thought.