An Avatar acquaintance popped up from a couple years missing and triggered memories of what my life was like when I practiced those tools consistently and I had others with the same skills to meet with and practice. My own recollection of the time was that everything was much smoother, I was happier (i.e., not as angry all the time), and change manifested ‘magically’ [sic].
This is really what my intention is for the next year. Do the practice – daily. I brush my teeth every day. I had to learn that, and now I can’t imagine starting the day without doing it. I make my bed every day. I tried once to leave it unmade and go to work. I made it a few blocks, but was so uncomfortable, I turned back home and make the bed.
I believe this is the key — I need to notice my discomfort and associate the relief with the
tools to practice. Rather than wait for the magical-thinking day of January 1st, I started today. I did two practices. They feel creaky and rusty, but they open up. They are opening me up. I can feel the ice cracking in my chest as I do the exercise Releasing Fixed Attention using a plant in my sunroom.
I am scheduled for jury duty at the end of October. Speaking with a friend yesterday, I had a memory of the last time I did jury duty — August 1984 in Los Angeles. My memory showed a me from over thirty years ago. Most of my memories show in observer view (i.e., I can see myself and my body in the view), and the me there surprised me with her callow youth.
The emotions that rose up were more than I expected. I noticed behaviors I would no longer do — I think the additional age has something to do with it, but more likely my persistence with awareness practice. I noticed — I am really different now. I was surprised. It caught me unaware and caused a physical reaction.
It was like seeing a niece or nephew change dramatically when you haven’t seen them from age one to four. Wow! Except this period covered over twenty years. Day-to-day, I don’t quite feel like an adult, but I got there somehow. Don’t get me wrong, I have a long way to go, but I’m further up the mountain than I thought.