In that moment is all that is

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Days Without Pirate Attack:

I went to a play last night with friends from work: Tom Stoppard’s Travesties at the American Players Theatre.  Stoppard made my brain hurt, but in a good way.  But this is not about the play.  Before the play, we went to eat and sat and talked for about two and a half hours.  Talking with lovely, smart women is one of life’s great pleasures, isn’t it?

At about two hours in, I told them how great it felt today when three contractors, who were leaving the company, came to my desk to tell me goodbye and express how much they had enjoyed my presence when working with them.  They were each highly complimentary, telling me how much they valued my optimism and fun attitude.  I thanked them each and returned the compliments (easy to do; they are good, talented people).  It felt great to get that feedback from three separate people, because I have been getting a distinctly different message from my boss (i.e., you are not competent).  I told my friends how I had had a realization recently that my idea of me was only made up of thoughts I had and, if thoughts are not real, then my idea of me is not real.

“How can you know yourself then?” one asked.

“I think the only way is through reflection in others,” I said.

I told a couple of stories that were examples of how disowned parts of me kept showing up in others and the easiest way to find those parts is to watch where you have a strong reaction and judgment of another.  That repulsion is a part of you that you exhibit, but don’t see or you push down really, really hard and it pops up Whac-A-mole® style, in some other person.  I told them about how I had had a strong reaction to a person there at work that was frequently sick or out for some alleged (!) ailment.  I explained how I processed this experience by acknowledging the part of me that was like the other and took time to fully experience what it was like to be that way.  I then told them the “miracle” part of this process.  The next week that judged person turned in her resignation and left the company.  That part piqued their interest!

“One of three things will happen if you own your part and fully experience it:  you won’t care anymore or the other will stop doing it, or they will leave your universe.  It’s happened for me many, many times.  The magic comes from the understanding and compassion you gain for yourself and for the other.”

One of my friends mentioned her reaction to her son’s foot-dragging on college applications.  I asked, “Can you see any way that you do that same thing?”

While she was thinking about it, we realized it was time to leave the restaurant for the theatre.  As we walked to the car, she asked again, “How do you do that?” I responded that I would go over it again in the car.

She was driving and had to negotiate her way out of a busy parking lot and onto the road.  But not more than a half mile on the way, she exclaimed, “Oh!  I see it.”

What I could see was her full body reaction to the awareness she’d just experienced.  Her face and body read clearly that she was changed and she knew it.  It was an exquisitely beautiful moment to share and I am grateful to have had a part in it.  In that moment we both expanded and touched the part of us that is all that is.

We drove west into a prismatic sunset framed by noctilucent clouds and talked about the possibility of seeing the northern lights this week.  For all the natural beauty I saw last night on that drive and in the woods and hills surrounding the theatre, nothing could compare to the light of awareness on her face.

Zero days every day

zeroThe last few weeks have been an amazing self-awareness learning experience while slogging through painful, emotional bursts.  Even while reacting, I am aware that I am likely over-reacting to many situations. 

I’ve uncovered beliefs that are working against each other, “You can’t tell me what to do!” butting up against, “Universe, tell me what to do!”  I’ve sat in and floated around in every icky feeling that’s come up.

“What I already know is not what I want to learn.” – Peter Ralston, The Book of Not Knowing

I am willing to explore my visceral reaction to being told what to do at work.  I find:

Being right – feels like safety.

If you make me wrong, you threaten my survival (perceived).

Telling me I’m wrong is what comes right before being hit.

Telling me I’m wrong is telling me that I AM WRONG.  Not that I did something in a different way.

This is why my reaction to correction is so strong.

This is why I pre-emptively respond to be right.

This is why I make that person WRONG.  They’re doing it WRONG.  And for my (perceived) survival, they have to be wrong.

It.s a terribly vicious circle.

Paradox

I’ve been reading a little bit each day of The Book of Not Knowing: Exploring the True Nature of Self, Mind, and Consciousness by Peter Ralston.   Most mornings it kicks my butt.   The other morning I stopped reading at this quote,

“Why are you unhappy?  Because 99.9 percent of everything you do is for yourself – and there isn’t one.” Wei Wu Wei.

Immediately I remembered a quote from Neale Donald Walsch’s Communion with God*

‘’Indeed, everything that you have ever wanted, you are now supplying to others.  And the wonder of it all is that, as you give, so do you receive.  You suddenly have more of whatever you are giving away.

The reason for this is clear.   It has nothing to do with the fact that what you have done is “morally right,” or “spiritually enlightened,” or “the will of God.”  It has to do with a simple truth:  There is no one else in the room. There is only one of us.”

*Thank you, Jan, for helping me find exactly where it was in the Conversation with God series.

At first it looks like a paradox until you go back to the last line of the Communion  quote, “There is only one of us.”

No self, no other, just all.  Yeah.

Others Ahead of Me on the Path

Considering my post in which I wonder if “I” is only what I think about myself, this week my email delivered two timely (one pithy) quotes:

“Each time “I” asserts itself and we identify with that process and think that is what we are, we experience suffering. When we are present with Life, in the moment, there is no “I” and no suffering. That’s the reason to practice redirecting the attention to thisherenow.” –  Cheri Huber

“Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.” – Alan Watts

Enlightened-One as a Costume

Until this last Saturday I wouldn’t have thought being an Avatar could be just another way I use to be “right.” Surprise! Turns out it was pretty easy to slip into the “I’m more enlightened than you” costume. It’s the wizard hat that makes it so stylishly compelling.

Days Without Pirate Attack

Days Without Pirate Attack

I realize that there are a lot of intellectual aspects to awareness and consciousness that are completely engaging and entertaining.

NOTHING IN THE UNIVERSE IS AS ENTERTAINING TO MY MIND AS MY MIND.

Knowledge of the mechanics of consciousness easily masquerades as experiential awareness. The litmus test is instantaneous: am I in appreciation? Am I in feel?

Frequently during the past few days I’ve noticed how quickly I slip into judgment or how easily I let one of the voice/identities take over me. I’m practicing with, “Whoa! Get back here,” and “Stay here,” etc. Being. Here. Now.

It’s been a good four days.

Enlightenment is letting your hair do what it naturally wants to do.

I used to say that accepting your hair and not trying to change it was one way you knew you were an adult. Now I realize that it is a sign of greater awareness.

 

I watched a video “You can touch my hair, a short film (part 1)” the other day. You should watch it, too! When one of the women said (I’m paraphrasing), “From the time you’re very little you’re told everything about your hair is wrong and has to be changed,” I choked up. It is terribly sad that millions of women are hearing this message and perceiving, by inference, that they are wrong, too.

 

Genetically, I am exceptionally rare with red hair. Only one in two-million people on this planet have natural red hair. My hair is shiny, straight, and thick. A red molecule is large – larger than a yellow or brown molecule – so my hair has always appeared full. As a child, I didn’t appreciate it at all and wanted what I called “princess hair.” You know what that looks like, right? Blonde, long corkscrew curls. When I got a perm in an attempt to get that look, my hair bushed out comically, as the flat cuticle of the hair was splayed open.

 

It took almost forty years for me to accept my hair with appreciation and see both the gift and the nothing that it is. It is both – that is an important distinction. We need to appreciate what is without discount. Now I wear the simple straight bob cut that, when cut well, falls smoothly to my ears without any device intervention.

 

Sedona

This is an interesting place.  Surrounded by Arizona-ness, with roads named “bloody gulch” and “hangman road,” Sedona is a valley of great natural beauty and a mecca for spiritual practitioners of all kinds.

but here's a picture anyway

but here’s a picture anyway

First, the natural beauty far surpasses any description or photo.  The striated pink, tan, and golden mountains are so beautiful it is physically painful to look at them.  The heights are so sharply vertical, I experienced vertigo standing at a base and looking up.  With the bright blue, clear sky behind them, the mountains surrounding Sedona can both sharpen your sense of small, separate self and, at the same time, affirm your connection to all that is.  “Vortex” beliefs notwithstanding, it is the power of beliefs that is the true magic here.

I’m staying in a condo here with a fair amount of icon-décor.  The iconography ranges from Egyptian to Hindu to Kokopelli to Buddhist, all pretty fun to explore.  This morning I was examining a couple of large white crystals set on a cabinet.  I turned one around several times until the shape and direction seemed to me to look like the shape of a bear.  I thought, oh, medicine bear.  I should look that up.  Ha!  This was the first link: http://www.spiritanimal.info/bear-spirit-animal/

 

The bear has several meanings that will inspire those who have this animal as totem:

  • The primary meaning of the bear spirit animal’s strength and confidence
  • Standing against adversity; taking action and leadership
  • The spirit of the bear indicates it’s time for healing or using healing abilities to help self or others
  • The bear medicine emphasizes the importance of solitude, quiet time, rest
  • The spirit of the bear provides strong grounding forces

 

I love seeing synchronicity.

My objectives were three for this trip.

  1. Rest.  Relax and slow down.
  2. See different things and see the same things differently.
  3. Let my scared person out and have her protector bring her out.

So far, I am meeting my objectives clearly and measurably (Hey, Project Manager, go take a break!).  Smile.  I’m going to sit on the patio and drink my jasmine tea, stare at the mountains.

 

 

Who Knew?!

“Once you have made the commitment to free yourself of the scared person inside…” – Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself.

Days Without Pirate Attack:

Days Without Pirate Attack:

When I read that line, I had a physical reaction. Sound rushed in my ears, my throat constricted, my heart sped up.

Almost my whole life, the story I told myself of who I am, is really not who I am. I thought I was a mean-angry person at the core, and I had been working for several years on letting her go. She was just the gate-guard for the scared person.

Preparing to write this, I had a glimmer of thought that letting the mean-angry identity run my life, while protecting me, has had limited potential. It always had to keep an eye on the prime mission of hiding and protecting the scared person.

Letting myself fully experience being frightened or being a scared person showed me a different person. A person I am actually more compassionate with than the mean-angry girl. This fear is not of anything that I’d label “animal fear.” Nothing is going to kill me or maim me. This is fear of ego and identity-self. An existential fear is the best way I can label it.

It took a great willingness for me to experience that resisted identity. It doesn’t matter whether it comes unbidden or I set out deliberately to create and experience it. Only by experiencing it fully can I know that (a) it will not kill me (b) it is a creation just like everything else.

What’s after that fear is experienced though is a “self” so wide and great and all encompassing it’s not explainable.

Setting aside time to process allows me to know what it feels like, so when I encounter the leading edge of the feeling during the day, I allow myself to feel it. The funny thing is I expected allowing myself to feel fear to look like I was cowering in the corner all day. Not at all the case. It’s also not obvious to others what I’m doing, except that I am not covering something up.

I have more compassion right now for those who let their frightened self out for all to see. It is still a bit repugnant for me to view – more opportunity there! A big thank you to the Avatar tools for enabling me to experience these feelings safely and without judgment.

Do we have a single, foundational belief?

I read a line in a novel recently where one character told another that “Everyone has a premise that guides her decisions, right or wrong.” In the next paragraph she went on to say “We all need a rule to live by.”1 Both of these lines caused me to stop and think – so much so, that I wrote them down.

I’ve thought more about that idea and come to a few conclusions. The first is that these could be two different beliefs. I think the first belief is one I created early and without deliberation. For some, this first belief could mean survival (emotional, physical…). The second I want to be a belief I choose. The first one runs the decision process until, with attention and energy, supplants the first.

It’s easy for me to project another’s foundational belief. I make those judgments all the time, and I know I’m not alone:

She always has to win.
He will do anything to be rich.
She only cares about herself.
He makes everything a joke.
She’s always cutting herself down.

I know what I am creating as a rule to live by. It is the Dalai Lama’s quote, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” This belief guides me to be kind to myself as well as others. The quote says, “be” — a word as important as “kind” in the quote.

1 The Merciful Scar – Rebecca St. James